The Advice Column – A Dating Question About a Guy Who Wants to Date a Girl

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What readers want more than anything – is advice.  Each week, I receive a number of questions.  Most of the time I provide these answers specifically to the inquirer, but it appears much more helpful to put these answers here, so you can benefit from them too.

If you’d like to check out last week’s question.  Click HERE.

Today we answer the second question for The Advice Column.

Question

“I have a dating question for you.  I am a guy in my mid 30’s.  I want to date a girl who is a bit older than I am.  She has a child who is already grown up and out of the house and is recently divorced.  I want kids – big time.  She might not be open to having more kids.  Do I forget the whole idea? Please advise.”

Answer

“Thank you for this great question.  It’s complex and the many moving parts are valuable to look into.

First of all, let me commend you for knowing what you want.  You want kids and this is wonderful.  As someone who is expecting my first child, there have been very few experiences that have been so beautiful than the anticipation of new life.

As this question is comprised of many concepts, not all are simple – so due to the complexity of the question, it’s good to break the various concepts down into bite-sized pieces.

Concept #1 – Dating

People hate dating.  Why?  It’s tricky.

Combining people skills with developing a new friendship, coupled with fears of rejection and lowering walls that have kept you safe – it’s intimate and scary.  There is a lot of risk involved.  However, just because it’s risky, doesn’t mean it’s worth hating.

Hating dating is a waste of energy. (Yes, you can tweet that.)

I’d like to present dating in a fun, fresh way.  Try this…

“Dating is fun.”

Try not to put any pressure on yourself or on the date.  You’re getting to know someone.  New relationships are fragile, it doesn’t matter what type of relationship it is – coworker, friend, acquaintance, client, etc.

Find your strength-zone and relax into it.

What’s your strength zone?  Liking who you are, being happy with that person.  When you are happy with yourself then the outcome matters less.  If you don’t like yourself – honestly, you have no business dating.

Concept #2 – Age

As someone who married a great guy much older than myself, I do believe that age is not a factor (so long as everyone is over 18 and of sound mind).  The key is to ensure you have enough in common and solid foundational values.

I’ve dated many, many people who were older than myself and it was difficult to stay connected because we didn’t have enough in common.  That being said, it’s important not to count someone out just because they might seem older.

My husband has enough energy to run circles around me and keep me on my toes.  Age hasn’t played a factor because our values and many interests are in alignment.

Concept #3 – Kids

If she hasn’t told you she isn’t willing to have kids, don’t assume she isn’t willing.  The fact she has a grown child is kind of neat.  Is it a person you respect and enjoy?  Experience can be great.

That being said, if she doesn’t want to have kids, then dating her will be a waste of time because your future will be incompatible.  This is nothing one quick dinner wouldn’t resolve.  Be sure to ask, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

If she definitely is not open to kids, don’t be afraid to leave.  Once in a very happy relationship, my boyfriend and I didn’t want the same 5 year plan.  Even though it was heart-breaking, the right decision for me was to leave.

Even if I never had children, I wanted the option.  I wanted the possibility.  It’s not fair to resent someone for not giving you the future you want if they are brave enough to tell you where they stand.

Concept #4 – Divorce

Of all of the factors, this one is somewhat of a red flag.  I have a lot of questions.

How long ago was she divorced?  Did they separate first?  Was is a peaceful divorce or were there difficulties?  How did the divorce impact her financial situation?  How long was she married?  How many times has she been married?

If it’s been over a year since the divorce and she has taken some time to work with a counselor or coach and work on herself, that’s a good sign.  People coming out of divorces are in a significant amount of pain.  They will sometimes try to bury the pain of their loss (divorce is a big loss – it’s the death of a dream) in the next relationship.  Things an surface that are difficult for everyone.  I would not consider getting into a relationship with someone in that stage of life – let alone having a family with them.

If it is someone you enjoy, it’s worth pursuing a friendship until the kinks have been worked out.

As I am a fan of dating lots and lots of people while you are choosing a life partner, I don’t see any harm with a few dates a getting some of the answers to those above questions.

With more information, you can make a solid, awesome decision.”

What else would you suggest for the inquirer of this question?

 

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Results Are In! ‘Smart Goals’ Cover Winner and Sneak Peak.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve asked for feedback regarding my two cover choices for my latest e-Book, Smart Goals: Planning a Year of Cool and Easy Success.

Thank you to the 200 participants to submitted your votes.  I could not have decided without you and valued all of your input.  I have both pictures below, the results below that, and a sneak peak into the book beneath that – as well as an invitation to become an Early Bird of the Smart Goals Society.

Cover #1:

cover-1

Cover #2:

cover-2

 

Results:

Of the 200+ participants in voting for the covers:

  • 42% voted for Cover #1.
  • 58% voted for Cover #2.

The winner is:

cover-3

Smart Goals: Planning a Year of Cool and Easy Success ‘Sneak Peak:’

Prelude

Success in life can be cool and easy.

It’s no accident that I traveled two months in Europe in 2014, completing the Camino de Santiago (a 440+ mile trek across Spain documented in my memoir, Riding the Camino Dragon).

In 2015, I wanted to get married.  It was unclear how that turn of events would occur but it didn’t matter.  I met and married my ideal true love that same year.

In 2016, I wanted to begin a family and meet my children.  Again, I wasn’t sure exactly how it would come to pass, but it didn’t matter.  In 2016, I began the journey of achieving cool and easy success in this area as well.

This is the story I’ll reveal in this book, but first, I have a question for you.

What is the desire of your heart this year?

One of the desires of my heart is to see you experience exactly that.

If you are not sure of the answer, keep reading.  The answer might be revealed to you and come to light in the midst of your own journey as you experience mine.

  • Excerpt from Smart Goals: Planning a Year of Cool and Easy Success (anticipated release Winter 2016).

 

An Invitation to Join Smart Goals Society

Smart Goals Society is a community I was aiming to launch in January of 2017.

Turns out that after a great deal of fine-tuning, I can begin this group as early as October.  This is wonderful news, because I was concerned about balancing and depriving my family of my attention as my daughter is born in the next week or so.

However, I have created Smart Goals Society in such a way as to be able to do both.

I still may not be able to offer individual coaching until January, but the Smart Goals Society is the next best thing. It is AFFORDABLE for a limited time (only $17 per month during the launch!) and VALUABLE (A Copy of Smart Goals e-Book upon release, access to the Charmed in Business Audio workshop, The e-Book Dare .pdf, The Friend Dare .pdf, plus exclusive invitations to a private facebook community, in-person events and a book club), with a framework that moves in conjunction with Smart Goals: Planning a Year of Success.  

By the time 2017 rolls around, you’ll be well on your way to experiencing your very own year of success.

Don’t delay – Sign up now.

Thank you to those who have already joined.  I’m so pleased we have this community and will be working toward our goals together.

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Question: How do I Resolve an Emotional Attack From Last Year?

Resolving an Emotional Attack

What readers want more than anything – is advice.  Each week, I receive a number of questions.  Most of the time I provide these answers specifically to the inquirer, but it appears much more helpful to put these answers here, so you can benefit from them too.

Today we answer the first question for The Advice Column.

Question

“After an emotional attack, I tried to rebuild my life.  I focused on exercise and other life experiences.  Although it helped me a lot, I have found I am still upset.  So upset, in fact, I’ve continued crying during the past 2 months.  I trusted a cousin with my struggle, telling her in confidence about my situation and she shared it with the whole family.  How can I trust anyone now?  I feel I am only safe alone. Please advise.”

 

Answer

“Thank you for sharing your struggle with me. I send you peace and love and I hope you can feel it surround you. You maybe depressed, but the major reason is that your heart is broken. To complicate matters, you have been betrayed by your cousin too. I am proud of you for exercising and staying busy. I’m glad this has helped. I do have some advice for you.

My advice: Take a few days of solitude. Write everything that happened. The emotional attack, the struggle, the difficulty. Write out every painful part of it. Be sure to cry and allow yourself to be a total mess. Then, once you have mourned the experience, light your writing on fire. Please do so safely! As the paper burns, let go of the sadness and trauma. Let go of the stories that have held your heart prisoner. When the flames go out, get a new sheet of paper. Write a new story. Write what your new life looks like now that you are no longer held hostage by the past? Write how you wake up and feeling joyful and hopeful. What kinds of experiences will you have now?

Most important, love yourself through this entire process. You are a beautiful spirit. Your life is full of meaning and purpose. It is the hard times that solidify these truths in our lives.”

 

What else would you suggest for the inquirer of this question?

 

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